He could be your dad!
We discussed that right before he asked for my number
I'm seeing double. Its like being in a room full of people
Let's just say my vagina is not superimpressed with the superintendent of schools.
I just want to curl up with him and brush his hair and sing love songs together, I think you should come over and end this
I made a list on my phone of places I want to fuck, it's right under my list of groceries I'm getting a little too used to regular sex but dude monogamy is the shit
The fact that I took a nap during my midterm shows exactly how I handle being an adult
Do you have pictures of my pancakes
I need to show the world
They are the pancake equivalent of eventual wife
Most drunken moment of the night is me pouring Chanel no. 5 all over your boobs and rubbing it in...
Who put the meatball sub on my door handle?
That moment when your mom is so drunk she makes you get out of bed to lay in her bed because she thinks it feels like sleeping on a marshmallow peep....
In another note. Thanks for making me get a vibrator. For real.
I will be DAMNED if anyone but me breastfeeds my cat.
I woke up to an email from expedia confirming my flight to hong kong
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
I get so pissed when there is something that NEEDS to be made fun of and you're not here.
Randomize
