I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
I feel so much closer to you now that I heard your poop splash into the toilet.
I just heard someone say "gosh-darnit" and they didn't have a southern twang. I worry for New York.
Dude, she puked up her Plan B, then reached in the toilet and re-swallowed it. That chick does NOT want a baby
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
apparently i walked around all last night forcing people to beer bong whatever drink was in their hand. so far this morning ive had three people refer to me as beer bong man
Please collect your boy friend. He semi-passed out on the couch and trying to grab bums as people walk by. Anyone's bum, he's not choosy.
Those drunk pictures you took of me? My mom is showing those to my grandparents.
This is even better than the wine from my laundry basket
I was so high I just stared at the papa john's app on my phone and cried
Is she blowing you? I'm in the closet.
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
I BLEED THE BLOOD OF MY ANCESTORS WHO FOUGHT SO BRAVELY FOR MY FREEDOM
cool u want pads or tampons
tampons please
Okay so as of now, we may either be coming for one night, two nights, or not at all this weekend. It depends on Laura's toe and if I get my period. Will explain later
Played Gay Bar on the jukebox and pissed off the Republicans here. Best day before birthday ever.
Randomize
