Rylan was made in your driveway. Just thought, as godfather, you should know.
So how was awkward coffee with forgets-your-name?
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
her tits were misleading. turns out she wasn't cool, smart and funny
I just packed a bowl in my room and use glad press n' seal to cover it so it wouldn't dump out in my pocket .
Stripper pole. Sore legs. More vaca money.
Also I legit had a girl at my bar crying tonight saying to her friend "why did he have to take his top off ?"
This is literally engraved into my seat "Need crack?" And then there's a number. This isn't real.
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
Yeah I mean subtle isn't how I'd describe your flirtation strategy last night
I am sitting in my lingerie, eating frozen cookie dough out of a bowl, and watching family. My hump day is going great
Crying in Target on a display sofa is normal, right? Asking for a friend.
Did you make it home alright?
No I'm sitting under a tree by a cricket. He's alone crying out for someone to Fuck him. This guy gets me.
You were filing your nipples with a nail file to "make them sharper"
It actually wasn't the first time that a guy I just met ate me out in the back seat of his car in a starbucks parking lot in the middle of the day.
Randomize
