I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
One of my preschool students told me today that it's not pollution that makes the water in lakes unclean. It's the hobos. I was absolutely speechless. And just so proud.
I just realized I am holding a beer in 133 out of 134 photos of me on my facebook page.
Nobody is perfect
I'm at Waffle House wearing one of the paper hats in the other
Her life is proof that being a drunken slut will get you places.
In between rounds of sex, you stopped and did drunken handstand push-ups.
Come on down you're the next contestant on "lets go drinking!"
Jenna, I'm going to use all my homosexual powers to steal him from you
Austin, I will climb on top of your shoulders and slowly suffocate you with my vagina
i have a raging boner for Saturday, day drinking is one of my top favorite things right next to alligator wrestling and blowing shit up
we were having a conversation about big dicks and the chick at the table beside us turned to us said "me and my boyfriend just broke up a few days ago. Could you please NOT talk about big dicks"
I sent him a topless photo and he complimented my eyes. I'm not sure if I'm offended or pleasantly surprised.
Why r u in my phone under "the last survivor"?
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
So I have now fucked both my roommates...This is why I can’t live with men.
it is time to test the effects of half a loaf of bread and overconfidence on the human body
Randomize
