My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
angela screamed across the room SHES A CHAMP when i told the pharmacist plan b doesnt make me throw up
If I die and they 'assume' it's natural causes, just go with it.
Last night at the bar my fuck buddies found out about each other.
Wtf? What happened?
Not quite sure but they rock, paper, scissored to see who was taking me home.
dude chill. we stole 18 hamburgers from her house
no. you cant fuck a burger.
I knew I was rolling hard when I realized I had been rubbing the couch for an hour
u r missing out we r watching a tranny direct traffic in a gstring
You slammed your face into the toilet and declared you were moving your bed into the bathroom in the morning. Also, you insisted on crawling everywhere because feet are "overrated."
Then years and years after that I will send you a picture of my warped vagina from all the kids that I had.
If we all have the time, and the weather permits, and you have no plans, we should have another go at Operation Get Our Carless Friends Laid. All the lonely people will be out. We can take our lonely people out too.
i've now hooked up with two guys who have tattoos of their sister's names...so that's a reality i have to live with...
I have so many feelings about this burrito
He wants to buy us a microwave. Clearly the man is going to fix my life.
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
Randomize
