if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
her face looked like how i feel after Taco Bell
I wish they had an "I'm Stoned" genre on online Netflix
I put a toilet paper roll with my number on it by his face... hooking up is not happening
Find out what day classes start and I will come down to Richmond that weekend. Any broad who claims to be 18-21 will be promptly ID'd. My job has trained me to spot a fake from a mile away, and I don't need a statutory rape charge.
I dont even care how hung over I am, and how shitty this bus ride will be. That was the best sex of my life and it's a beautiful morning.
You found me in the back room alone eating someone else's whole birthday cake with my hands then asked me if you could join.
He asked for a foot job. Whatever. I guess I'm swimming in new slut waters tonight.
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
You will drink beer in a kiddie pool in your back yard but you wont bring a girl home
I am the murdurer of this scooby doo episode
This wine tastes amazing. It's like a fermented hug.
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
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