My gyno actually laughed when I told her about his penis size.
he accidentally used the toothbrush i use to induce my bulemia...i feel like this is something he shouldnt find out...
dibs on John Mayer's hood pass
The first couple times was just weird, but after last night, I'm beginning to think you have a real problem banging pregnant women who are carrying someone elses child.
I may have tried to encourage people to play a new game I invented last night. I called it Super Quarters. Like regular quarters, only using an AA medallion.
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
I masterbated to the rocky theme song. I'm pretty sure that just beat any sex experience I've ever had.
I thought i didnt really feel whatever i snorted last night until i just realized i think i asked this dude to punch me fight club style
I went out to have a smoke, and next thing I know, he's got me bent over a picnic table praying to deities I don't believe in. You should have been there.
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
P.s. I wore your shirt today and it has your blood all over it, but I am at a funeral home and they are using embalming fluid to get your blood stains out right now.
He obv doesn't know that telling a woman to chill will get him murdered
All i remember is looking at the bottle vodka that I was drinking and wondering how it was suddenly empty.
That may have had to do with you chugging it
I blacked out and when I woke up and looked at the counter.. there was a full cake upside down. I dont even understand ...
well we woke up in different beds than the ones we originally fell asleep in, you were butt naked, and your boyfriend was sleeping on a cot in the middle of the kitchen. that might be why he's mad.
Randomize
