you traded sex for a burrito?
I just realized that i have never seen about 30 percent of my friends sober before
i just made a girl do the walk of shame. as a bumblebee. i love halloween.
she walked in on me snorting my prozac. there was no way to convince her i was doing a good thing.
Did someone do a keg stand in my bathtub?
His beard is glorious and he smells like barbecue. Introduce me to him.
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
You turned to me, winked, whispered "man the harpoons" and walked out with the fat chick
I met her at the quidditch match. She was the snitch and I caught her. After at the bar she walked up grabbed my hand and said snitches have flesh memories.
So I just bought e from my sophomore home ec teacher. How's your weekend going?
Right, try not to commit a felony that costs more than 4 dollars cause that's all I have in my bail jar.
Like, defending PBR and Bio Dome consumes a lot of my time.
My day so far: morning after pill and pancakes. Living the dream.
I gave you chlamydia, you gave me a concussion. Now we're even.
i had sex with a girl named after a fruit last night and it was the best thing to happen to me in 2020
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