Who haven't you slept with?
No one comes to mind.
There's a 34yo winking at me. Why do i find this weird when my bf is a 38yo married man?
you insisted on breathalizing me with a inhaler.
being able to look good while almost puking is a skill that takes a lot of puking to develop.
Dude, you face planted, there was no "bar fight".
Its 11am, im in the city in a pocahontas outfit, lost a heel and found a gold rolex in my lingerie.
She asked me to go inside, make myself a drink and slip into something a little more naked.
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
If I get aids I am starting a lawsuit against snapchat.
We'll just charge in there, all pant less and fabulous demanding he give back her ferret.
So you told me to remind you that you vomited 3 times in the street because you would forget so here is your reminder
My housemates are judging me because I'm high at 8am and making Spongebob shaped Mac and Cheese
They know nothing, John Stoned.
Never start off a conversation with "speaking of STD's..."
I'm gonna tell the medical examiner that your cause of death was over-arousal.
She pooped on me during a reverse cowgirl. And it wasn't a little bit either.
Randomize
