I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
I cant date a girl that sucks dick at sucking dick
He just made me a heart out of cocaine... i think i'm in love
it's great music for shaving your balls
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
Did I show you my penis last night?
Just found a hole in my wall with your left shoe in it.
the first cop to show up was this girl who hooked up with our home ec teacher in high school, she knows about questionable decisions
he pushed me in the lake knowing full well I had joints on me. that's drug-abuse!!
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'm daydrinking whiskey in a princess hat
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
Im bringing my light up rubber ducky just in case we end up at a rave tonight. HE CHANGES COLOR!
A total of 3 guys left my apartment this morning. That was my first clue to my black out endeavors last night. Gotta love wine Wednesdays.
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