im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...
..and it was like all of a sudden I could hear the sounds my brain was making
I've been ignoring his texts cause last night I put him in my phone as 'ignore for atleast a day' and I trust my drunk self.
She said she couldn't sleep with a guy who had blood stains on his ceiling. I tried to explain it wasn't my blood, but she still left :(
Im going to bed. I'm seeing 7 of everything and my world smells like gravy
The hookup that almost was... Both partys too drunk to migrate to the other.... the universe has won this one.
My drug dealer just asked me to go see Les Mis on Christmas. Should I be worried this is some type of musical set-up?
the conference was great. we had to hide the acid in a planter in front of the department of agriculture though
Moral of the story: fuckboys never change
I just want orgasms and emotional validation. Is that too much to ask?
You kept calling yourself a spider monkey... Then ran to the bathroom to "prepare for the main event"
Randomize
