apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
I just left the house and 2 chicks are in the kitchen making breakfast. Might want to get up.
I'm up, no shirt, and staring at a breakfast casserole. Who are these girls?
just walked past a group of stoners who were staring open jawed in the spice aisle. tonight they will stumble upon something amazing.
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
You act like I'm the first person to try and hook up with a blind chick.
I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.
I opened my door to find him standing there with vodka, McDonalds, a smile and a hard-on. Of course I let him in.
shotgunning beer in rite aid bathroom. hurry
so let me get this straight... she's showing a cameltoe that can be seen from the space station and I'm NOT supposed to stare?
When I'm drunk I really like to hold dicks. Like, affectionately.
You told me you were with a dog dressed as a taco, and it was the only one you trusted
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
Me and my girlfriend were watching porn together..... it got awkward cause I kept getting notifications from my family on Facebook
would it be awkward if i bring my husband?
only if i fuck you in the bathroom while he's paying the check
Randomize
