and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
I'm sending you this that that when you wake up and see the girl sleeping next to you, you know who to thank
She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me
Just got invited out of group to take shots after hearing her gay friend say "why would I give him my alcohol so you can suck his dick. It's going to be a good night
just found out i can blow out the flame on the grill lighter fill my mouth with butane and ignite a fireball
Just traded the drive-through guy at BK a Dos Equis for a Hershey pie before noon... win?
people came up our fire escape and one had a cut on his leg and he was beautiful so i told him i was an emt and bandaged it with princess bandaids
You could make a naked club. One member, you. One president, you.
I feel like I was dropped out of a helicopter. Through the propeller.
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
I gotta give him props though, I've never been propositioned for sex via flash mob.
What I'm doing now is like me taking a bagel, dropping it butter side down, leaving it for six years, picking it back up, and trying to fuck it
Yes be both agreed it was the worst sex in the history of fornication, so I asked him to sign the condom wrapper so I could frame it as a reminder to NEVER sleep with him again
i almost got into an argument defending my life choices with a guinea pig eating chocolate cake at 4am
If sex isn’t mentioned at least three times at the dinner table, I’m not interested...
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