I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
I almost got runover on the sidewalk by a car but wen it got closer it was a crackhead walking with the whole front of a car... bumper, lights and all... I love New York.
I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
and i forgot to tell you that my armpit hair is now completely grown back. man i love winter.
it was only during my walk of shame that i realized i was wearing the exact same outfit that julia roberts wears on the dvd cover or pretty woman. prostitution is my destiny.
Yeah, all the sudden I heard a loud "ding" and realized I had been passed out on the dorm elevator for about an hour....
if I could send you my dick right now I would. that's how good of a friend I am.
After last night, I've decided I will now bang only men who professionally ride things for a living. I will accept jockeys, cowboys, bullriders, and pro bicyclists who lie and say they're bullriders.
announcing that you were the mayor of bjtown got their attention.
Okay. But I hope it isn't expensive lingerie. Because I'm ripping it off Hulk Hogan style.
Found my underwear in a solo cup. That about sums up this weekend.
I need an adult. someone more adult than my current state
I slapped him but he didn't wake up. He just nuzzled my head, hugged me closer, and smiled.
lesbians are really intense tho, she made me take her eye makeup off and told me she was going to eat me for breakfast
Randomize
