Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
Careful when you walk in I'm laying by the door.
If you get me so fucked up I can't use the microwave , I'm going to be so mad at you
Dude, they're still mid-coitus. Pretty sure running in to high five my roommate mid-thrust is a mood-breaker.
I took 36 pictures of my lava lamp. your weed wins.
I'm getting better, this year I only showed up drunk to 1 final.
Will keep you updated on the sexual orientation of my new guy
I thought you couldn't go near Germans after that restraining order
Hey guys so who is Justin McGoo and why did I text him "fuck yooooouuu juuuustiiin mcgooo" at 12:06am on Thursday night?
I just stood beside an Amish man and bought Cocoa Krispies and tampons.
extra points if i make kids and or the elderly cry
He bedazzled a shirt for me that said "best head giver" should I be thankful for the gift or concerned that he has a bedazzler?
I just found your shirt hanging in a tree 4 blocks from the party...in the opposite direction of your house. where are you going?
Also this morning I remembered seeing the stripper he threw up on later in the night. She was clothed though.
Randomize
