Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
If we're like this now and women reach their sexual peak in their 30's, I can't even fathom what our futures hold.
Like if I don't roll around in my puke, the night will be a failure.
do you ever get flashbacks of ppl you had sex with and just shudder at how gross they were/how drunk you were?
story of my life.
I paid some man $10 for his shirt last night cause I liked it. Explains that. Bought the jackolope head from a street vendor. Got invited to someone's hotel rooftop swimming pool which explains why I was in my bathing suit. My clothes from last night are MIA. Going over the border with no pants on is awkward. Origins of the car rim still mysterious.
My drug dealer is making me hot tea during the snowstorm...I'm a fan.
Just talked to Laura, confirming that is my bra. Hope it goes well with the rest of your wall decorations.
Are you drunk? Because I am and if you're not, this may be very awkward in the morning
Thats for me to know and you to find out.
Yeah! I was just fired because there was an over hire and the new girl is hotter than me. Seeing as how the new girl is my baby sister I think punching my manager is excusable.
I'm officially no longer allowed to make any of my own decisions regarding alcohol, men, or the combination of both. Thats up to you now. Do me proud.
He uses Bing as his search engine...but he's great in bed. So obviously I'm torn.
Have you ever been so high that you felt like corduroy? I'm at that level.
I'm sorry I threw a frog in your car last night.
You might see me up a tree with a deranged look in my eye , just walk away at that point
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
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