ARI BLEW A 2.0 HAHAHAHAHAHHAHH THESE COPS ARE SO COOL!!!!
Partly cloudy chance of praying to the porcelin gods
My financial aid advisors would be so pissed if they knew I was spending my loan money on strippers
New drinking game: take a shot everytime Jay-Z is played during the NFL draft.
If I'm going to go gay, i'm not going to go for a tiny dick.
Blacked in riding a tandem bicycle with a stranger. We stopped for hot dogs.
I masterbate to the thought of you. You totally aren't just a booty call.
I love her to death but its like you have to do 5 lines of coke to be on her level.
I was talking about you wanting my dick, but that works too
Last time he went to Europe, every time he started drinking he would wake up in a different country with no memory. There is no way he can be tour leader.
"There should be some kind of award for sleeping with your ex 9 times in 3 days."
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
That portable toilet under the bed? Turns out it was a tuba. Explains alot.
This year my vagina is giving thanks that several of my cubs are coming home for the holiday
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