update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
She solidified the fact that the icon from Wendy's is the only ginger I care for
Some are given great drunkenness. Others have great drunkenness thrust upon them, in the form of ice storms.
his dad came out and found me sleeping indian style on the couch with my cup balancing on my boobs. didn't spill a drop.
Dude she has starbursts in her sports bra. I feel like this is counter productive.
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
I'm challenging a 70 yr old alcoholic woman who is half my size tonight. Wish me luck
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
You kept insisting you found queso that's better than oral sex
WHAT KIND OF DEALER ONLY WORKS FRI-SUN???
Ours, apparently.
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
I must stop trying to make out with my friends when I'm hammered.
I'm not going to drink anymore, and on that note I'm not going to drink any less either, so I'll see you there. . .
Dude, my back STILL hurts from carrying the team on BP last night.
Randomize
