Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
You asked me to be the big spoon, when you passed out on the stairs
Dude you didn't move for like 2 hours then suddenly sang the chorus to ghetto superstar and passed back out
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
i tried to knight her with my dick. she said it was unromantic. what an ungrateful attitude for a knight.
On that note if you see a hobo smiling with a pack of cigarettes and an AMP energy drink, that was my good deed for the day
Just successfully went through airport security with shrooms. It's gonna be a fucking awesome new years
Her eyebrows were plucked so thin that she had to have gonorrhea. Clean girls just don't pluck that way
I swear god is testing me by giving me awesome guys with tiny penises
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
the 5 D's of Dodgeball literally just saved my life
I AM AT THE LOUNGE WHERE THEY FILMED THE LAP DANCE IN SHOWGIRLS....IT IS AMAZING
How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
I threw up in the bathtub last night like a decent human being.
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
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