I went out, and slept with my sunglasses on
I think condoms have that nasty latex smell to remind you in the morning of how gross you are.
I'm just sayin. Is it sad that I spent my last dollar on a hamburger just to get a paper bag to huff out of?
I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
I don't remember what your face looks like..
I don't remember your face either, just your dick.
What are the signs of a concussion? Please don't freak out.
I feel like a food baby is going to burst from my stomach and eat all the leftovers until another food baby rips out of its stomach. And so on. It's truly a merry Christmas.
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
also, i am in no position to judge as my life choices today went along the lines of "YAY VODKA". for breakfast.
You don't realize it's a small world until your ex girlfriend's dad unintentionally messages you on grindr..what.the.fuck.
Downloaded the Pocket Penguin app. There are now penguins living in my phone. Technology is wonderful.
We just weren't working out together, on a completely unrelated note some guy that i talked to on his grinder account said i could crash at his place
I envy your ninja level of don't give a fuck
I've finally done it, I've downloaded some messenger lesbians like to use because some girl wanted to flirt.
Congrats, you're all grown up now.
I FEEL LIKE A GAY BUTTERFLY
Yo, I totally had forgotten you were CA. Thank you for making my life easier with modern medicine.
Ahh yes. I lost my pants and swimming suit and phone charger. And I've found out who has them all even while hungover. Successful day. Nice party too.
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