so whenever I text yeah my phone automatically corrects it to yeahhhheeehhyeahyeahh .. too much party in the USA?
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
Bitches at mcdonalds acting like they never seen a girl puke in her own coat pocket before
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
I found him down the block clinging to a light post laughing and crying because a house "looked like it had buck teeth"
how do you play pong handcuffed?
Just walked into your room to get my clothes and he's still passed out in your bed. Remind me to high five you when you get home
So shaving my butt whilst humming "be prepared" is now in my top five weirdest Friday night activities.
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
And then I discovered that while drunk last night I called the NAACP and left an angry voicemail demanding they fix the racism at my school
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
i survived drinking for 24 hours, an 8 ball of cocaine and a threesome. I think you can handle moving.
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
Randomize
