this morning i woke up with my panties on and i knew where i was. success.
THAT'LL be a good time.
and i don't know why my phone always capitalizes that word.
She is banging on the liquor store door begging them to let her come in.
The couch is in the bathroom. I don't understand how that is even possible. I couldnt even fit that shelf thingy through the door. Come help. I am about to pee my pants.
If we can only get laid once in a blue moon, apparently this will be our month.
I'm at a nursing home getting weed. Lol when times are tough, things tend to get a lil weird
she sent me a picture of dilf asleep in bed with the caption "what happened last night?"
Just had ice cream and a blow job come together in one glorious, defining moment.
Turns out Edward 40 hands and life-sized jenga is really hard...Didn't stop you from trying. How is your concussion?
ALSO I MAYBE ACCIDENTALLY HAND CUFFED MYSELF TO A CHAIR
My roommate just threatened to kill me with my own pan. Can I ever get away from the crazies?!
I gave my girlfriend a ring to celebrate our anniversary, she thought It was an engagement ring. Now im getting married and I don't know what to do.
Finally get to put my practical writing degree to use! I'm writing a craigslist ad for a threesome
i ate her out in full view of all her roomates. the word awkward doesnt even cover it.
I'm pretty sure the cop knew you were drunk when you tried to light your cigg with a chapstick.
Randomize
