It was like a mary poppins bag, except a sexual mary poppins bag.
You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
I say that when we get our grades back we're making a drinking game out of it.
Not going outside. I may melt into a puddle of wine
It's been a year of occasional hook ups....this was bound to happen sometime even with your jank ovary schedule.
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
No one's ever called me intergalactic cocksucker, before.
What does it say about me that I feel completely charmed right now?
Dude he took a shit in the lake and it just floated around and lingered near our boat for 2 hours. I fucking hate that kid
First contact since we had sex and it's to get my HBO password. I sure pick winners huh
Its a good night when you make $200 and didn't have to see any balls
Just used the pen i got in my signing ceremony to pack down my bowl. coach would be proud
You took one look at him and said "let's hope I don't remember this tomorrow" then you took another shot and chased it with a beer.. I guess it was a success.
Want ramen today?
I need a salad
SALAD DOESNT WARM YOUR HEART AND BELLY
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