I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
I swear to god he was trying to crawl under my door last night muttering "I'm Alex Mac! I'm Alex Mac!"
It's either my own vomit or popcorn butter in my ear right now. Banking on the second one.
We made popcorn last night. So it's both
Here's a tip. Don't party with someone that needs sexual attention. Drinking and sexual attention don't mesh well in the morning. Especially over a bowl of Cheerios.
He just told me what he wants for his birthday. "a noise complaint" he also said he wants to be the cause of all the noise but he won't be the one making the noise.
Of course I have to cross through a walk for hunger
Confirm that you received these messages so that I know you feel the agony of my vagina. There is such a thing as "too many penises".
I folded my dollar bills into mustaches in preparation for our trip to the strip club
I told her to not worry about it. Lone Star is an excellent first trimester beer.
I think the biggest problem with being overhigh is when the kitchen was on fire and I was pointing and laughing and eating rootbeer oreos like it was fucking Ozzfest 2000
I have loved her ever since she went down on my first wife
I don't remember what you did, but I DO remember that i'm supposed to hate you for it.
its not even a love triangle. its a love square and it has come back to haunt me
I've literally slept one hour I'm honestly just surprised you can insult me this early
Don’t judge me
Some of us don’t have access to dick on a constant basis
Randomize
