After last night, I could never be a politician.
Yeah the sex got weird after I said "who's your daddy?" and she actually moaned her dads name.
It was literally the size of a half eaten tic tac.
There's been so much talk around your vagina it's like a local celebrity
I think I've officially made out with the entire starbucks staff.
Im in Ft Meyers right now looking right at an alligator. I have had a couple of beers and people are telling me not to feed him but Im gonna do it anyway.
It's ok that you're screwing someone else while trying to get back with me, I'm banging three girls while I ignore you.
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
There is booty call etiquette, and he just isn't following it. I'm not making you breakfast, gtfo.
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
Mimosa dick, like his cousin Whiskey dick, is just as ineffective but a lot more fun to be around
I just literally had a dance party in my closet. I've never been this blazed.
So none of you told me my tits were popping out of my shirt for three hours?
We told you. Repeatedly. You said you made it look good.
when I was walking home I wad so excited to see a cat on the sidewalk but it was really a traffic cone
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
Randomize
