Kiss
Puke
Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
i wish mother nature was an actual person cause i'd bitch slap her for sure
i prefer some hard alcohol, but wine makes me feel less of a progressive alcoholic
How is it I was the last to know everyone calls me tig ole bitties? Did y'all have a meeting about this that I wasn't invited to?
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
3 guesses about who had to still-drunkenly facilitate a fire drill at 2:40am because freshmen can't handle microwave popcorn.
have i crossed some slutty boundary when gay guys are sending me cock pics?
Just made a PowerPoint called "Reasons Why You Should Fuck Me" at his request. The sad thing is we've had sex before...
I packed spaghetti and rum. But panties? Nah
We play this game where we catch up on what we missed over five years of not talking to eachother, then we have sex like nothing ever happened.
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
Nothing like introducing yourself to your high school boyfriend's wife as "the girl who took his virginity"
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
Just remember, the Browns have more wins than Ronda Rousey this year.
Randomize
