why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
we're doing shots for every degree below freezing it is outside
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
The panties match.
I'll be right there.
the head trauma was worth the blowjob.
i look like a southern belle. however, i am around a million kegs. so i will be a southern shitshow.
My last two google searches are "shiny things" and "Ohio consent laws." you should visit more often.
It gave me the St Patrick's Day nickname Slutty McShitfaced. I've never felt so understood.
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
Instead of asking him how many women he's slept with I just got straight to the point and asked how many Plan B pills he's purchased
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
if i hadn't ended our catfight by hugging you one of us might be dead right now
sober me is not impressed with the quality of people that drunk me gives our phone number to
When he identified himself as captain clitoris i knew my night was fucked.
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
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