Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
When you wake up, I have rum and am in town
You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
Great. Me and the intoxalock guy are getting so close he just said "alright see you later girl!" when I called about getting the blower recallibrated.
trying to imitate man vs food after 12 shots doesnt mean youll get laid
I have located the smell of the stripper and narrowed it down to 3 girls in class
I know I said I wouldn't, but he told me I looked like Mila Kunis. Reasons not to fuck him, go.
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
No, seriously, I've slept with 3 guys this month.
It's ok, February is a short month
Leave it to you to bring a trash can into a fist fight.
I got so drunk I thought my tennis court was a corn field so I laid in it and ate pizza
I got St Patrick's Day drunk on Friday and apparently ordered a Total Gym in the middle of the night
On a scale of one to ten how bad is it that the first cardio I've done in months is jogging to the bars?
I'll just go with dedication.
Randomize
