I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
Got laid at the last second. Facebook chat is good for something afterall.
So there is a guy driving a robot around the college of engineering selling energy drinks
Oh I also wanted to thank you for leaving your list of porn sites on the coffee table. Very entertaining.
Woke up with pink eye in both my eyes. That's how the threesome went
Ssssssssssshhhhhhhhhhhiiiiiiii!iiiiiiiiiitttttttttttttttssssssssssssshhhhhhhhooooooooowwwwwww. Letters for emphaSSIIISISEEEE!
The good thing about having holes in your nose from all the drugs you do is that you can't smell nasty things. Like puke.
Like 50% of me thinks it'll be weird, 25% of me is curious & 25% of me is horny
this place is dumb. no one understands my Sunday morning alcoholism here.
Fuck you and your widespread penis snapchat
That was right around the time that the drunken mess pulled out his dick in front of myself and like 10 other people and started peeing all over the train platform while saying, "Sometimes a bear gets you brother. Sometimes a bear gets you."
Pretty standard Thursday night commute for you, no?
Don't mind me, I'm just walking 2 miles across campus with no jacket, covered in highlighter, and carrying a hair extension. Gotta love miami!
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
So you're willing to shred any respect that you had for your body on some random chick who's only looking for sex? That's the worst thing I've ever heard.
I mean, it won't be 100% meaningless, I know her middle name.
So drinking that old rum that I found in the ceiling of my dorm was prob not my best idea. But good news: my puke was so colorful b/c of all the skittles i ate
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