I think I left something in your back seat.... It was my integrity
you better believe me or I'll punch you in the face
I think I have swimmer's ear. From his tongue.
I knew we should have skipped class earlier, my lab partner is drunk from last night and making up his own experiments.
Was finally able to jerk off without the motion giving me a migraine. Think my hangover's getting better.
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
Tonight when I'm getting a bj from a stripper I'm gonna imagine it's you bobbing down there
Rainbow fish was a wild success, got wasted at 6 gave away most my scales and made out with max from where the wild things are.You'd be so proud
I didn't want to walk to anymore parties because I found a cat. It was magical.
Started out playing table tennis then ended up fucking him on the table. Happy cinco de mayo
Well the streak is over, I saw a penis today
So apparently being drunk at work isn't allowed.. who knew?
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
Stand and applaud for me. I have successfully masturbated in a Walmart changing room with the door wide open during normal business hours. I lead a very Charmed Life.
When you puked on me I said to you "we will just say that you threw some mostacholi at me"
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