i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
And don't be too jealous. Drinking alone watching a chick flick and masturbating isn't nearly as glamorous as it sounds
I'm going to listen to christmas music to trick my body into cooling off.
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
Also he wants to know a casual, consise way to ask a girl in a bar if he could eat her out. Think on that.
The cop told you to put your hands behind your back and you slurred "I'm not falling for that again"
And if it ever comes down to tax or healthcare benefits we can get married
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
I remember puking but I don't remember where. PSA: don't go barefoot around the house
So, I without a doubt haven't used the bag I'm now carrying since we were dating. Just had to discreetly throw out an unopened magnum in a bus station.
Idk woke up on the suite in someone else's clothing and actually broke my ankle
I thought my holiday spirit was gone this year until I got banged to Christmas music. It's back.
I need to learn how to not be a fucking liability
I might have to quit marching band. It's affecting my drinking schedule
Did you ask Harvard boi?
Apparently he likes someone who is into being smart and a supporter of human rights ugh what a skank
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