You should never have let annie watch you have sex with other women
Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
Coming down off exstacy at a church event. Resisting the urge to dance to the church hymns.
What the fuck. The girl next to me just looked at her phone, put her stuff away, and popped a birth control and ran out of class. Lucky fucking guy.
The bartender laughed but the manager kicked me out when the mom conplained. There's no way my fart harmed that baby in any way
The handjob she gave me was better than the best blowjob I've ever gotten.. Just imagine the possibilities.
heres the thing, we have 120 cans of beer left in the fridge. until thats finished we cant fit food in the fridge
Attn: you have now used your free, one time admission to pleasure town. Thank you for visiting I hope you enjoyed your trip. All future trips to P.T. Will cost you full admission price. We have different pricing plans to accommodate different situations, and remember it is more of a bartering system than a set price. Your patronage is always welcomed and once again thank you for visiting and have a fantastic evening.
Thanks for not locking your door. I had to pee and there was a random person throwing up in my bathroom so I used yours. \nPS I stole your soap
I think all the stress in my life right now can be directly correlated with never winning a game of Bop It as a child.
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
I am so sorry for drunk texting you r kelly lyrics
I just want you to make me second guess my worth as a human. Is that too much to ask?
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
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