On a scale of one to trashy, how is this: Got drunk, gave a guy a hand job. In the middle of the bar
I think you broke the trashy scale
I just ditched my friends to hang out with the chilis restaurant crew...one of these girls better have daddy issues
A total of 95 cents was stuck to my ass the next morning.
Apparently I've been blackout drunk doing abstract algebra on the floor
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
I guess I could probably fit that in between deep self reflection and teenage mutant ninja turtles
All i'm saying is it doesn't matter how drunk you were, at 26 years of age you should always remember to take down you pants before you shit in the toilet
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
I just projectile vomited into my kitchen sink. Today need to be over already.
Vodka for breakfast. With a side of Frankenberries. Don't judge me.
Fuck you i've put so many pretzels in her shirt
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
well true... there's not a real discreet way to masturbate in public
Officially not baby mama #3. Celebration is in order.
HE CALLED HIMSELF HOT BAR GUY.
If I remember correctly he wasn’t
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