On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
She just drank the vanilla extract. Again. AGAIN. No one should be that eager to get drunk.
He called the drink "The Annexation of Puerto Rico". He wouldn't tell us whats in it but said that we should all fear for our lives. Let's do this.
please bring me a paper towel asap.
I was drinking wine in bed and spilt some on my chest.. And I cautiously guided it into my belly button but now I dont know what to do.
Yours weakened by children. Mine weakened by a forearm sized cock for 8 years.
They let me close the tennis center alone. It's a 6-minute drive from 2 of my booty calls. Scratch tennis court bj off the bucket list.
sea world and a strip club? BEST DAY EVER!
My old dealer would be proud of the drug cocktail I just took for my back pain.
so let me get this straight... she's showing a cameltoe that can be seen from the space station and I'm NOT supposed to stare?
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
Come over. I have beer, your weird ass vegan pizza, and a raging hard on.
Marry me.
I'm going to become fluent in fucking Belgian boys
I came so hard I went blind for a few seconds.
I fucked R2D2 last night. I consider Star Wars day a success.
Randomize
