someone get that fucking seahorse.
You were face down, at your computer, surrounded by beer bottles listening a bagpipes version of amazing grace.
I just saw a woman point to her daughter and scream at her husband THIS IS YOUR GENES, THIS IS YOU.
Somehow he came on his own face...then he freaked out
He told me he loved me mid lick. Anyone that can look at me from that angle, lick my vagina, and say they love me must absolutely mean it
There's a creepy homeless guy with no hand trying to get up on our tacobell order
i'm just sitting here watching hocus pocus, eating takeout, and taking self esteem quizzes online while everyone is out partying. you tell me how my night is.
Your 13 year old niece and her best friend half carried you from the beach to the pool where you then clung onto a raft and screamed about having pretty hair.
I'm considering offering a class on how to find good porn.
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
I was thinking about the biological process causing me to puke while I was puking. THAT'S how much I'd been studying.
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
I'm sorry I threw a frog in your car last night.
I also woke up in a bed soaked of pee and drunkenly lectured him on the dangers of chewing tobacco... weird night
Bachelorette party buss just rolled into down town. DTF, "horny hotties inside" and "show us your dicks" written on the windows....this could get interesting.
Randomize
