Oh man I wish you'd been in the car w/ me today. I followed a school bus home filled w/ young boys and I flipped them off the entire way. They loved it.
Apparently you make a good broom.
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
would you kill someone to have someone deliver pancakes to you when you were high?
Note to self: Not getting laid all weekend makes girls in mondays classes racks seem enormously bigger.
Im not moving so it's going to have to be a 3 some.
That penis will go down in history. It's the Helen of Troy of dicks. I will conquer it and the tale will live on for future generations to learn from
I'm about to do the walk of shame in a christmas onesie. What would I do without christmas sweater party season?
I'm pretty sure I had my drunk fortune told by a gay Miss Cleo last night. At least it's advice sober me can agree with.
Sigh. I'll find the right guy one day.
Prince charming is right around the corner and will be freaky as shit!
Thank you for dog sitting, there is $60 on my desk to be spent on DRUGS AND/OR GAS ONLY not that food stuff people crave.
What does it mean when the government shuts down and your boyfriends wife wants a divorce ON YOUR BIRTHDAY?
You know your life has gone off the rails when waking up in a Spanish hospital with alcohol poisoning and no memory of how you got there is not even your top wildest drinking story.
I'm reading fall out boy fanfic. What has my life come to.
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
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