My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
Sorry about bonging beers with your mom but in all fairness you were late...
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
My arms are hairy. And so Is my left leg. Just my left leg, the right is smooth.
You told me "I need to pound this drinks if I'm going to pretend his dick is big enough" then left. Dollar night quotes 2012
You were telling me last night 101 proof was nothing and you needed 400 proof or better yet military or marine proof, because you're marine grade.... You rascal.
I'm puking in a turkey pan....
So when I eventually, if ever, find someone I'd like to marry, do you think having people fly to africa for a lion king themed wedding is too much?
Nothing ends a night of heavy drinking better than banging to three six mafia in your own driveway
You know it's a good weekend when you wake up on Sunday questioning your sexuality.
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
sexting foreigners is the best. they respond with silly things like "love that tits"
Blowing lines in the bathroom and trying to get into the mindset of someone who wants to be at work for 12 hours
I might be a bit longer... I found a hot guy at the grocery store, so I'm following him and buying stuff that he's buying
woke up to two girls crawling on top of me forcefeeding me bacon. Best. Hangover. Ever.
Randomize
