y did u give ur computer a hand job?
I walked up to her and said hello and wanted to ask her if she had fun last night... she asked me if we had met before.
Turns out "bordello" doesn't mean what I thought it did.
Well I don't think you could recreate that hangover if you tried. It was like the perfect storm of hangovers.
My T9 text prediction thing keeps predicting every next word is going to be "midgets".
Explain to me how "cheap asian titties" is a complement?
Totally sleeping on a bloodstained mattress tonight. I love life's little adventures.
U were yelling that I wasn't generous or supportive. Then you kneeled and said this weird prayer about the windows and doors of your life.
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
We had to go to his parents last night for dinner & ended up having a quickie in the bathroom while everyone else was outside smoking.. This is why we have a successful marriage.
It's official. This guy and I are going gay for each other. We're tasting the fucking rainbow.
Denial and avoidance are my survival strategies for 2013.
Denial, avoidance and beer.
You remember the guy they called Meat in high school? Well, let's just say my vagina remembers him now.
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
Randomize
