On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
I always give him head in random places, it's a guessing game for his cock.
The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.
Going to the u of w I constantly have that moment of, oh hey I felt you up at that rave at folk fest that one time. Winnipeg is too small.
From one hot mess to another... Get it together.
THIS IS NOT A DECISION I MADE AT ONE IN THE MORNING IM JUST GETTING AROUND TO TELLING YOU ABOUT IT NOW
Word my sister pulled through for me and brought vodka shooters for the plane. its about to be a sloppy 4 hours
Apparently I blamed my BAC on the Saint Louis Cardinals...how is that not a valid excuse?!
Being on probation is a nice change of pace. It's refreshing to wake up and know what I did last night.
You claimed that someone else had vomited underneath you/on your hand
you were very insulted that we didn’t believe you that someone else vommed
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
I just saw a guy walking down the street without a shirt on and holding a samari sword....
scale of one to ten how loathsome is it to save my chocolate easter bunny to use for a topping on my edibles
Randomize
