you kept yelling something about watching the muppets chirstmas carol and trying to turn the t.v. on with your car keys
I just realized last night I drunk-bought a flight to Florida for this weekend...kinda torn between the price and the potential of awesomeness
just a question.. totally understand if you dont know what im talking about.. but.. do you have my funnel? i think i tucked it in to your bed last night.
In hindsight, buying 4 different kinds of vibrators at once may have been a little overenthusiastic of me.
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
I am both excited and frightened by the fact that this much everclear is legal here. Best vacation ever.
Just puked off the 5th floor onto a car windshield. This is my life and I'm proud of it.
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
I have to shave my legs first. I'm afraid tiny woodland creatures will fly out if he tries touches them.
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
Maybe if I get to know him I'll stop wanting to fuck his wife so much.
My sexual preferences tend to require a degree in psychology to understand
I just learned in class that female whales slap their fins against the water and then ten males come and fight for her yet we can't get guys to text us back
He grabbed a pine cone off the ground and yelled "I love cigars" then tried to smoke it for ten minutes.
Randomize
