true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
My grandmother just explained bulimia to me as a diet
Just saw a porn entitled "Nad Biter". Redheads are now forever out of the picture.
I told him I had to grab my Swedish fish from the car before they froze. Then I just left. But the fact that he knew how important it was not to have my fish freeze almost made me come back in....almost.
He shit in a sock dude, you can't come back from that
Only sluts go out in this weather carpe diem boys
And your cousins porn shouldn't have been the first straight porn you watched. And for that I am sorry
He stole all of his parent's vodka WHILE they were in the room, and then opened the window and snuck out. I was watching from my truck
There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
just found out that she named her cat after me.
Shower sex is an art that should not be attemted drunk
he said "be careful" then handed me a cheezit...
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
Just got back from a Walmart run. The music went straight from Kid Rock to John Phillip Souza. If that doesn't scream 'MURICA I don't know what will. Happy 4th!
I ACCIDENTALLY MURDERED MY COUSIN
HOW DO YOU ACCIDENTALLY MURDER YOUR COUSIN
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