He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
I ate a lot of your sunchips. I mean a lot. Like 4 to 5 bags.
Let's just say there's a reason that "suede" rhymes with "laid".
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
they just tried to tell me they weren't big into drugs. A) it was the 70's. B) I've seen the pictures.
i have a strong feeling i fucked one of the waiters here...
I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
He was rocking just a diaper, shoes, and a gun. Sadly, I would still hit it.
When they send me to rehab, I'm screaming your name down the halls.
You also proposed and then tried to jack me off
I cannot lay down. I will throw up my life and your life and the class hamster I had in third grade.
Dude I was tripping acid when she was crying and I literally couldn't defend myself
did you just try to prove your straightness by quoting a lady gaga song?
He surprised me with a puppy tail butt plug in his ass and wants me to fuck him
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