Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
not my fault. i got her to believe he wrote an oasis song. he still managed to find a way to make sure no girl ever gets near his penis.
Just grabbed my laptop and a beer to take a shit. Mom gave me a look of disgust. I miss college.
by the end of the night two people were passed out at the table, three on the couches, and one in the bathroom. it looked like someone pumped sleeping gas into the middle of a dinner party.
Ikeep having to ask jim if I'm actually talking. I canmt feel my body...this is what Christmas is all about
Random question, but did I leave a spoon on your dresser last night?
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
you didn't want to pay for the shots so you negotiated with the bartenders. Apparently 1 shot is worth 5 seconds of motor-boating you.
They're fucking on the bed next to me. I took adderall and smoked so there's no fucking help for me.
Our conversation concluded a weekly schedule of casual sex in between classes.
I stared at him for a solid five minutes because he looked like what I imagine god would look like if god was a lumberjack
We had sex in his hot tub. Then we saved a mouse that almost drown in his pool. We celebrated our heroism with more sex.
Soooo you know how I said I was trying to be a rational adult? Well that led to me fucking a rational adult today.
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
Dude she literally licked him. He was covered in cheese and in her high state what else was she gonna do?
Randomize
