I want to give you a handjob with my mouth.
i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
i don't know what the guinness world record is for longest time eating nothing but skittles but i'm going on six days
You refused to come over and kept yelling that you were gonna sleep on a car
he got mad when I told him his flaccid penis looked like a sleeping kitten
After you vomited on the patrol car, you thanked the officer for helping you up off the ground. I don't think you realized you were being arrested.
Went to the wedding reception, and he left with ALL of the brides maids phone numbers. I don't know how he does it either.
Dude, she brought over peach cobbler, weed and alcohol plus I'm gonna get laid. She's by far the coolest sister you have.
Honestly bro, I can't look at girls you've banged. Its like looking herpes in the face.
I just discovered I can sober up while teaching class
I'm using my dog as a pillow. He's cool with it.
He was like the most intimidating looking guy you've seen in your life except he was really shittily doing the two step
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
Sex on the trampoline with your two best friends cheering you on: PRICELESS.
There's wax on my nightstand, my sheets look like Christmas, and my vagina feels like it got into a fight. All signs of a good night
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