it was the least impressive dick i've ever seen... and i've changed babies' diapers.
I can only be a whore so many days outta the week.
Samesies
when a 14 year old is judging you, you know you've had too much to drink
Just transferred the sun chips from that obnoxious Eco-friendly bag into a zip lock. Fuck the environment, that bag is loud.
There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
But you wanna know what the sadest part is? I had to smoke on the way back home cause my mom would be suspicious if I wasn't high after I was supposedly hanging out with you.
I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
I just used my AAA membership to fix a strippers flat tire in return for a lapdance...does that make me a bad person?
HE TRIED TO HIT ME WITH A CHAIR. Stoned video games are NOT happening again
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
Last night you made me help you pick the raisins out of a kashi bar and acted like it was the most important thing to ever happen to you or our friendship
For a man with no legs he was surprisingly good at doggy style.
I don't know whether to high-five you or stage an intervention.
Bumble is fuckin insane here. I'm going to break a hip.
still can't believe dude took a personal call while he was balls deep in my mouth.
Wow first he impregnates you then he won't send you the sex tape you made together? Where has chivalry gone?
Randomize
