Just ran to the store on my way to the office to buy Diet Coke...the guy in front of me let me cut because it was 4 more minutes until 8am, so he wouldn't be able to purchase his vodka. I love Wisconsin
Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
Make sure you take the apple pie out of your pocket before you pass out.
I sent him a naked picture of me with the caption "I lost at beer pong, this was a dare. Hope your nights going as good as mine" I've never talked to him in my life, this is a strange way to start.
You should have seen her, she looked like a skinny Jabba The Hutt
That literally makes no sense
Exactly
My boss just sent an employee on an hour long paid break to pick up weed for our 'staff meeting' tomorrow morning.
sometimes it's just necessary to be your own gyno when you're too afraid to tell your mom about your real life
He was very considerate of my needs, he offered me pizza before and after.
She's so high she just screamed into the pile of takeout boxes "which one of you gave me diarrhea"
i just had to ask the gas station attendant what state i was in... winning at life.
im in missouri by the way.
I got a lap dance in honor of your birthday last night.
Thank you.
theres a video...
oh god.
I found my wallet. Still have no idea when I put mad dog in my steel water bottle, though...
What was the name of that sleazy asshole I'm not allowed to sleep with?
Nothing says girls night like wine cheese and pregnancy tests 😂
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