i jus pukd everywherw but i took a showr, come cuddle
Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
WHY are the edges of my bra charred???
she vomitted in her champagne, said "fuck it, it's new years", and continued drinking.
Oh shit I just realized the ropes are still tied to the bedposts
Here's the level of my committment: I'm not participating in the Olympic opening ceremonies drinking game. THIS IS SERIOUS.
He had a joint rolled for us when he picked me up. It's how ASU does romance
You have to sext the same way you right a resume, you can only use active verbs
My arrest report says I was found in midtown "performing lewd and lascivious acts on top of art meant for public display and enjoyment".
you guys have a strange definition of the word fun. I would have said dangerous, terrifying, or life-threatening. of course, bowling can now be described the same way.
People will say "JOE YOU MUST TURN DOWN" and I will refuse, in the name of liberty.
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
He listens to me complain and in return I send him naked pictures. It's a win win situation
You followed me up the stairs while i was throwing up yelling "projectile! projectile! projectile!"
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
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