Until that no good dick sucking whore stays away from my boyfriend I am gonna start blowing all of his friends...
You'll be proud of me
Who did you not have sex with
Damn it...you know me too well
I'm hiding behind a bush in mens clothing next to a ducks crossing sign. There are joggers. Please hurry.
When hitting a Woodchuck bottle with a machete, glass will fly back and cut your face.
I hope you did not try this.
If I don't have carpet burn in the morning you aren't trying hard enough.
I don't know which is worse, the fact that he can say will you fuck me in so many languages or that I'm turned on because of that
The most humiliating part was that I farted while he was tasing me.
I found you walking along the street hammered. You walked up said hi and handed me a beer.
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
Apparently she "missed me" and the only logical solution was to fuck my brother.
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
Who put my cat in the fridge?
It took like and hour to get him in me and then he came in like 2min. Size aint everything
My boss walked into my office and gave me a toothbrush and tips for dealing with sex hair. She knows what’s up
Grandma said I got a good handjob. I think she meant manicure.
Randomize
