I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
i've never seen someone fall down the steps so gracefully... i think im in love
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
Walked into a liquor store bleeding. That kind of night.
your ex girlfriend just barged in my house, drunk, mumbled something about "car strip", and put a huge hole in my drywall with her head.
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
if the future wants me to fuck him, then i guss i have to
He's so urbane and sleek; so aesthetically chiseled, having endless features to offer me whenever I desire.
Are you fucking a guy or a condo building?
I just came so hard I growled. Definitely found my gspot.
She has that type of face she reminds me of that weird girl from napoleon dynamite only taller and with hoop earrings.
I think his dick was bigger than his dog
someday i'll meet a man and who loves me as much as i love getting drunk and starting fires
bonus check + party bus = big hot mess
Oh shit. My bra is undone and I'm pretty sure I peed on my sandal
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
Randomize
