if he's not good at sex i should be allowed to have sex with someone who is. that's a totally legit statement i think
woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
if women knew the size of my dick, theyd be much more receptive to my sloppy drunken advances
Dorm room. In. Elevator. Fell in. Boom. Puke
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
I just spent 30 minutes cleaning out my coleman grill. Did you really have to have grilled yogurt?
Walking out of our apartment this morning to go to class, I saw a sticky note on the front door that said "get tested." The door was unlocked so did you bring some stranger back last night? I'm assuming you weren't referring to me...
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
Dude tried texting you during but she threw my pants too far away
New low reached: a cockroach has actually drowned itself in our dirty dishes. We are heathens. Cleaning dance party tonight. No excuses.
He managed to rip my nipple last night....
Hey, do you know the person who woke me up last night at 1 in the morning yelling and being carried through the courtyard?
That was me Mom...
He's on the porch naked. Help.
I passed out while searching "symptoms of narcolepsy"...
I’m planning a Pharmasutra for the first night after the pandemic ends
Pharmasutra?
Me + Chris + cocktails + viagra = night of orgasms
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